losthunter (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
losthunter) wrote2018-08-30 06:01 pm
losthunter) wrote2018-08-30 06:01 pm
Entry tags:
The Thorn that Cuts the Deepest
Hunter's exploration of different National parks started at the Acadia National Park, where he spent three days enjoying the woodland, rocky beaches and glacier-scoured granite peaks. Then he spent three days in the New Hampshire's White Mountains, and from there he biked down to the Pocono Mountains Region.
It was when he reached the Cuyahoga Valley National Park, nearly 11 days later, that the emotions that Hunter was trying so hard to run away finally caught up to him.
He was exhausted, after hiking the Brandywine Gorge Trail. And had crawled into his tent for a well-deserved night of rest. But sleep did not come.
Everything that Hunter felt he had handled crashed down on him in that moment. The trauma of having his appearance changed in the first place. The struggles of the first year. The devastation when the kiss from Lindy did not work. Then how hard he worked to get comfortable in his own skin for five years. And then accepting himself and finding love.
Then having his magic taken away from him. To have to look in the mirror and see his old self -- Kyle -- and being face-to-face with the mistakes he made in the past. His selfishness. His rudeness. His judgement of others. To hate himself just a little day after day.
Hunter felt the tears come fast and hard.
The truth was that he did not know who he was right now. Was he still the good-looking and suave Kyle? Or was he the poetic and unique Hunter?
And he tried so hard to get answers on what had happened, only for Karlene to run away from him. As he thought about Karlene, Hunter started sobbing hard. He got stabbed protecting her. Twice! And she ran away. He can still remember the sharp pain from the knife in his gut. The worst thing was that Karlene took away everything that he worked so hard for -- and was acting so selfish about not even facing up to her mistake.
Hunter pulled his pillow to his face so he could scream into it. Then cried into the fabric. Soaking it.
He felt so alone right now. He had pushed away Jim, but right now his tears reflected how much he missed the other man. How much it hurt not to see him in person. But that summoned forth a new insecurity, one that Hunter had denied. He has seen how Jim looks at him now. Would he want him to get his magic back? Hunter does not know.
With the distance between the two of them, with Jim on his exploration mission, it was difficult to make sense of what their relationship was. And while Hunter desired no one else but Jim, the Starfleet captain had wanted his own freedom -- it being somewhere between 23rd Century relationship norms or Jim's reliance on his charm when it came to negotiations with other species. Right now, it just seemed as another way for Jim to put up a wall of resistance against the relationship they have found themselves in. And Hunter knew he had not really fought for what he wanted.
And what hurt most was the sudden thought of how hard Hunter had worked on the ring for Jim. And while he gave it to Jim with no expectations... right now it felt so unappreciated. That Hunter truly didn't express what he wanted to say. That he wanted to feel worthy of the other man. Especially right now, when Jim's life had taken him to the grandness of space. To lead a crew into the exploration of new places, to be the first to see the stars, and planets, and aliens that were out there. Jim was at the peak of his career.
And Hunter... felt like a nobody. He placed his head in his hands. He didn't have the Foundation anymore. He didn't have the Art Studio anymore. He had nothing. And really... how could he expect anyone to be happy dating a nobody. His whole body shook with despair. Was he really fooling himself this whole time?
Hunter felt so raw and vulnerable. He didn't know who he was anymore.
With a thud, as he threw the pillow away from him, Hunter sat up. Breathing through the sudden anger and sadness that was overwhelming him.
He sat in his tent, shivering, tears still running down his face.
It was when he reached the Cuyahoga Valley National Park, nearly 11 days later, that the emotions that Hunter was trying so hard to run away finally caught up to him.
He was exhausted, after hiking the Brandywine Gorge Trail. And had crawled into his tent for a well-deserved night of rest. But sleep did not come.
Everything that Hunter felt he had handled crashed down on him in that moment. The trauma of having his appearance changed in the first place. The struggles of the first year. The devastation when the kiss from Lindy did not work. Then how hard he worked to get comfortable in his own skin for five years. And then accepting himself and finding love.
Then having his magic taken away from him. To have to look in the mirror and see his old self -- Kyle -- and being face-to-face with the mistakes he made in the past. His selfishness. His rudeness. His judgement of others. To hate himself just a little day after day.
Hunter felt the tears come fast and hard.
The truth was that he did not know who he was right now. Was he still the good-looking and suave Kyle? Or was he the poetic and unique Hunter?
And he tried so hard to get answers on what had happened, only for Karlene to run away from him. As he thought about Karlene, Hunter started sobbing hard. He got stabbed protecting her. Twice! And she ran away. He can still remember the sharp pain from the knife in his gut. The worst thing was that Karlene took away everything that he worked so hard for -- and was acting so selfish about not even facing up to her mistake.
Hunter pulled his pillow to his face so he could scream into it. Then cried into the fabric. Soaking it.
He felt so alone right now. He had pushed away Jim, but right now his tears reflected how much he missed the other man. How much it hurt not to see him in person. But that summoned forth a new insecurity, one that Hunter had denied. He has seen how Jim looks at him now. Would he want him to get his magic back? Hunter does not know.
With the distance between the two of them, with Jim on his exploration mission, it was difficult to make sense of what their relationship was. And while Hunter desired no one else but Jim, the Starfleet captain had wanted his own freedom -- it being somewhere between 23rd Century relationship norms or Jim's reliance on his charm when it came to negotiations with other species. Right now, it just seemed as another way for Jim to put up a wall of resistance against the relationship they have found themselves in. And Hunter knew he had not really fought for what he wanted.
And what hurt most was the sudden thought of how hard Hunter had worked on the ring for Jim. And while he gave it to Jim with no expectations... right now it felt so unappreciated. That Hunter truly didn't express what he wanted to say. That he wanted to feel worthy of the other man. Especially right now, when Jim's life had taken him to the grandness of space. To lead a crew into the exploration of new places, to be the first to see the stars, and planets, and aliens that were out there. Jim was at the peak of his career.
And Hunter... felt like a nobody. He placed his head in his hands. He didn't have the Foundation anymore. He didn't have the Art Studio anymore. He had nothing. And really... how could he expect anyone to be happy dating a nobody. His whole body shook with despair. Was he really fooling himself this whole time?
Hunter felt so raw and vulnerable. He didn't know who he was anymore.
With a thud, as he threw the pillow away from him, Hunter sat up. Breathing through the sudden anger and sadness that was overwhelming him.
He sat in his tent, shivering, tears still running down his face.
no subject
But now, last night's dream (vision?) still fresh and vivid in his mind as if he'd just seen it all over again, Jim can't content himself with mere words, words Hunter might ignore or brush off. Maybe it's invading his privacy, but there's a knot of fear buried deep in his belly, fear of losing something he hadn't even known he'd wanted this badly to keep.
So instead, he looks around his quarters, and his eyes fall on the alien flower from the planet Enterprise still orbits. A rose in a zinnia's shape, still sweetly scented and held fresh in a little water on his desk. A smell he hadn't realized he'd missed until he stood in that wild garden and inhaled its sweet perfume.
Jim finds a sheet of blank paper, something that's in precious short supply these days, and quickly writes out a note by hand, so inadequate to really say what he wants to say, but a peace offering nonetheless.
I can't tell you how much I wish you were with me right now. I'm sorry. I'm an idiot.
"Mewww."
Jim looks down at his feet, where Zunar has his front paws braced against his shin. But unlike before, the insistence doesn't seem to be aimed at him, and the kneazle bats at the air like he's trying to snatch the note for himself. Let me take them.
Jim opens his mouth to say no, and stops. Why shouldn't he? Next best thing to getting to go himself. And having a kneazle for comfort is one of the only things that kept him sane, last year, after the Nightmare. He'd be a fool to deny it. "All right," he says, rolling up the note into a tiny scroll, tying it shut with the flower stem through the center. Zunar leans forward eagerly to grab it carefully with sharp kitten teeth, and sits expectantly. Well, what are you waiting for?
He ruffles the fur on the kneazle's head, and takes up his PINpoint. Heads up, package incoming.
no subject
He reads Jim's message about a package just in time for the PINpoint portal to open, and for Zunar appear through it. The kneazle gently places a flower and a note in Hunter's hand, before nuzzling up to the man, engines at full purring force.
"Zunar?" His voice shakes, not quite understanding. But so glad that the cat is here.
Even in his despair, Hunter takes the time to appreciate the alien flower. His fingers gently caress the petals, and inhales the erotic scent. With an unsteady hand, he unrolls the note. Hunter takes a deep breath, steadying himself a little, before he reads what Jim had written.
And the note makes him weep again. This time, instead of a pillow, he hugs the purring kneazle to him. "I wish you were here with me too..."
He is not going to be able to compose a message back to Jim. Not right now. But maybe, somehow through the kneazle bond, Jim will know that the peace offering was received.